I was just scrolling on Tumblr a few minutes ago.
(Tumblr is sort of a last resort to me, after Facebook, YouTube, and Netflix. I say last resort mostly because I follow a lot of cheesy sorority girl blogs, which I need to get around to unfollowing.)
Anyway.
I'm getting really, really, really, tired of the phrase, "In order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself."
You read that right; that was 3 "really"s. Here's why.
I get what the quote is initially supposed to communicate. No doubt it is said to another person as a sort of relationship advice and so it could therefore be applicable to countless situations. We say it to each other I think because we want the person we're saying it to to respect themselves. To actually not throw their heart around a field of potential lovers as if it were a frisbee. To not jump from person to person and to allow one relationship ending poorly (or ending, period) to be justification to rebound into a new one. To guard their heart and to not open up to just anyone. This, I think, is good advice and it is scriptural as well.
However.
"In order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself."
Forget that. You know why?
You already love yourself. 
Loving yourself wasn't something that you needed to learn. I remember hearing the phrase for the first time when I was a child and thinking it was so silly. That's because we are born with an innate desire to love, because we are made in the image of God. We didn't need to learn how to love our parents. We didn't need to learn how to love our friends. Yes, when we get older we make an effort to love our enemies or troublesome coworkers, and how to love/show love romantically, but that's another conversation entirely. You don't need to figure out how to love yourself, because you already do.
You say, "Gerry, I hate myself."
You don't, and here's how I know why.
You feed yourself, clothe yourself, and most likely have some kind of job to support yourself. If there's a mirror nearby, you will look at it, and check yourself out. Also, who is the first person you search for in a group photograph? You. You want to make sure you look okay. You want to be liked by others. Want to be accepted, want to be heard. This is because you love yourself. Because if you didn't, you wouldn't care. If you truly hated yourself, you wouldn't scrutinize your body like you do, you wouldn't put makeup on in the morning or buy shoes that you look nice in to impress others; to have that desire to be accepted. If you truly hated yourself, you wouldn't post the things you do online to draw attention. If you say "I hate myself", chances are your eyes are too focused on yourself because all you can think about is what you have done wrong or how you aren't good enough. Both Love and Hate are similar, because both require passion. This is why the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love, is apathy.
C.S. Lewis puts it brilliantly, and he says, "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less."
The problem is not that we don't love ourselves. The problem is that we put ourselves down, because we are so self-centered. Its why we take criticism personally. It is why we make excuses for ourselves so we don't get in trouble.
You want healthy self-esteem, self confidence? You were made in the image of God. Is that not enough for you? If you want to truly love others, take your eyes off of yourself, and focus on showing compassion to others.
Its like this excerpt from the poem by Sam Levenson:

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

Once you choose to make your life about showing kindness and respect to others, and just showing love in the simplest ways;  you will then discover that loving oneself becomes second nature, and that is because it is already in place.
Life is about taking the love that we already have and learning that its like wildfire: the more we give it, the more it spreads. The more we keep it to ourselves and contain it, the more we suffocate the flame.

"We love Him, because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19.

Time for a rant.

Take it or leave it from someone like me, who is certain her current significant other is "the one". You can either say that I don't have the life experience; that I'm too young, or that I am so in love I'm rushing, or that because it's only my second relationship I'm in no position to give this kind of advice. However, I assure you, these words are not my own. These are words that we've all heard over and over again and today, I wish to expound on them because it's about time somebody did.

I believe that love today has become something it was never meant to be. Romantic relationships and even relationships neighbor to neighbor have been warped and twisted. Before you fear that I'm perhaps going into a "Hell-fire and brimstone" sermon that could possibly involve preaching against gay marriage and fornication, keep reading. I'm not. I'm simply saying that in many relationships around me (including my own), romantic or not, I have seen that love is in danger of becoming something we do for ourselves--that it is an object to be won. These are just a few of many statements that we've all heard said aloud from either our friends or ourselves regarding our dating lives.

"I just want to be happy."
"I deserve to find someone that will make me nothing but happy."
"He's just not that attractive."
"I don't know, I like him, but [insert incredibly petty reason here]."

We've all said these things. I've said these things.
But when I was single, in between my first relationship and my current one, which I believe is "it", I came to a few realizations that are not, in fact, revolutionary:

There is always going to be someone funnier. There's always going to be someone with better taste, better looks. There will always be someone that's richer, smarter, or more talented.
It seems like when we're on the quest to find our soulmate we have these lists of requirements or preferences. Question: When did searching for a life partner become a contest to find the best for ourselves? When did this mission to find our other half become to satisfy ourselves and our own needs? Not only is it unrealistic, but its selfish. Who are WE to expect our source of happiness and satisfaction to come from just mere human beings, when they are just that: humans. Especially when all WE are, are humans.

"Love does not seek its own." 1 Corinthians 13:5.

Love has become painful because we have unrealistic expectations of romantic relationships, mostly thanks to love songs, romcoms, and the media, all portraying of what it should look, feel, and sound like; and what we should get out of it. But that's the problem: we should not be loving to receive, but loving to give. Love should be about the other person. Not about yourself.

This does not mean, however, that we should not have standards. Instead, this is what we should be asking:

Have you found your best friend? Someone who puts his/her faith and love in God, who you can be yourself around, who loves you just as you are, someone you can trust with everything, who will protect you, and who is willing to commit to you? These are what matter.
If you believe this is the person the Lord has brought to you, don't let them go because you yourself are too prideful, or too frustrated. Everyone will disappoint you at some point. Everyone has days where they are downright unlovable--that's right--including you. You cannot give up on someone because they are not exactly what you expected. Because nothing ever is.

And this, this is a promise. When you have finally found that person that you cannot give up on, it doesn't matter how attractive they are, or smart they are, or how talented they are. Because the scales you used to measure those things previously will alter when you meet them. To you, they will be beautiful. To you, you will listen to the words from their minds speak directly to your heart. And when they sing, it won't matter how good it is, because it's coming from their mouth.

Pray for this person. And when you've found them, don't ever let them go.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast.
It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self seeking,
Love keeps no record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13

Its Time for a New Chapter

May 9th, 2014
9:54 pm

    At the moment I've been having a sort of spurt of wisdom and I can't tell if its the three coffees I've had today or the great deal of decisions that have been pressing in upon me lately regarding next year. 
    Its been about 8 months since I began living on my own (longer than that, if you count my semester at Bible College) and this time has caused me to grow in countless ways but has more than anything changed how I look at situations. 
    Flashbacks to when I was a kid. You have a very limited scope of the true mystery of adulthood. For example you are ignorant to the rules of driving. How to brew a good cup of coffee. How to kiss properly. How to pay a bill and what taxes actually are. And truly, where babies come from. Then you get to be a bit older and instead of being content in being ignorant of these mysteries you begin to desire to uncover them. In doing so and having registered self awareness, you begin to compare yourself to others and your capabilities in being the first to experience these bits of adulthood. I've realized this begins probably right before puberty--some people get their drivers license. Then a job. Middle school and high school are very horrid and yet intermittently humorous regarding these competitions; who's got a boyfriend, who's got this, who's good at that. Then you get even older. And the worst part is that virtually everything is the same. Instead of wanting to be a kid with a license you want to be the man with the sexy car that also gets good milage. Instead of your grades, its what university you attended. Instead of being one of the cool kids in the 8th grade that managed to get a job at Taco Bell, its about whether or not you've attained a career impressive enough so you never have to eat at Taco Bell again. Instead of the name brands you wear, its what street you live on, and instead of your girlfriend its which one you decided to marry. 
    I make the mistake of wasting time out of my day to compare myself to others, and others to me. Don't get me wrong, I pay bills every month and taxes every year. I know where babies come from and several inappropriate jokes regarding the process. I can brew a decent cup of coffee. My grades are decent. I even know how to kiss. I'm a 20 year old, but not an extraordinary one at that. Because just when you think you're good at something, someone else does it better without trying. How many, truly, how many decisions are made in life solely out of pride or jealousy of others? After these and many more realizations come, so does this big one. 
    Nobody. Cares.
    Stop and think about that for a second. Nobody cares. And you know WHY nobody cares? Because they're too busy worrying about what other people think and say about them. Save yourself a lot of time, and just let that sink in. Nobody. Cares. 
     Life is way too short. If you can't live it the way God called you to live it merely out of the opinions of others, then what's the point? Sure, the Lord made us to love and serve other people. But who's approval are we seeking in all of that? 
     I have to be honest with myself here. How many times my stomach has bundled into knots because I said something stupid to a coworker. How much I just wanted to attend university to impress my ex-boyfriend and those I graduated high school with that are also now, halfway to getting a Bachelors (when not even two years ago we were sitting in our uniforms practicing our cursive.) How many hours I've spent fretting about something that might not even happen, and then sure enough, it ends up not happening.
     What am I living for? Who am I living for? Myself, my superiors, or my God? When am I living? In the past, for tomorrow, or right at this very moment?
    At the young age of 20 I've learned that most things in life are just one big cycle. We get a job, we quit. We move in, we move out. Someone dies, someone is born. Vinyl goes out of style and then suddenly comes back in. We fall in love, we fall out of love. Through it we question what love even is. Day after day after day after day. These things are being recycled and re-comprehended. I wonder if when Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes, if he knew, thousands of years later, that things like this would be still be profoundly written about there being "nothing new under the sun" and regardless its still nothing new under the sun. 
    And so what is left, after all of this, is today. What matters. Our hearts and the decisions we make with them. Do we fear God? Do we respect ourselves? Or do we let each day pass without a care, only hoping that all it was was a test of survival and getting by, and nothing more?
   I know God is good. But I myself get so lost. So lost in what matters and what does not. What am I made to do? If I do what I believe I'm supposed to do, what is my motivation?
    Who am I aiming to please?
    Lord God, change my heart.
    It's time for a new chapter.