Its Time for a New Chapter

May 9th, 2014
9:54 pm

    At the moment I've been having a sort of spurt of wisdom and I can't tell if its the three coffees I've had today or the great deal of decisions that have been pressing in upon me lately regarding next year. 
    Its been about 8 months since I began living on my own (longer than that, if you count my semester at Bible College) and this time has caused me to grow in countless ways but has more than anything changed how I look at situations. 
    Flashbacks to when I was a kid. You have a very limited scope of the true mystery of adulthood. For example you are ignorant to the rules of driving. How to brew a good cup of coffee. How to kiss properly. How to pay a bill and what taxes actually are. And truly, where babies come from. Then you get to be a bit older and instead of being content in being ignorant of these mysteries you begin to desire to uncover them. In doing so and having registered self awareness, you begin to compare yourself to others and your capabilities in being the first to experience these bits of adulthood. I've realized this begins probably right before puberty--some people get their drivers license. Then a job. Middle school and high school are very horrid and yet intermittently humorous regarding these competitions; who's got a boyfriend, who's got this, who's good at that. Then you get even older. And the worst part is that virtually everything is the same. Instead of wanting to be a kid with a license you want to be the man with the sexy car that also gets good milage. Instead of your grades, its what university you attended. Instead of being one of the cool kids in the 8th grade that managed to get a job at Taco Bell, its about whether or not you've attained a career impressive enough so you never have to eat at Taco Bell again. Instead of the name brands you wear, its what street you live on, and instead of your girlfriend its which one you decided to marry. 
    I make the mistake of wasting time out of my day to compare myself to others, and others to me. Don't get me wrong, I pay bills every month and taxes every year. I know where babies come from and several inappropriate jokes regarding the process. I can brew a decent cup of coffee. My grades are decent. I even know how to kiss. I'm a 20 year old, but not an extraordinary one at that. Because just when you think you're good at something, someone else does it better without trying. How many, truly, how many decisions are made in life solely out of pride or jealousy of others? After these and many more realizations come, so does this big one. 
    Nobody. Cares.
    Stop and think about that for a second. Nobody cares. And you know WHY nobody cares? Because they're too busy worrying about what other people think and say about them. Save yourself a lot of time, and just let that sink in. Nobody. Cares. 
     Life is way too short. If you can't live it the way God called you to live it merely out of the opinions of others, then what's the point? Sure, the Lord made us to love and serve other people. But who's approval are we seeking in all of that? 
     I have to be honest with myself here. How many times my stomach has bundled into knots because I said something stupid to a coworker. How much I just wanted to attend university to impress my ex-boyfriend and those I graduated high school with that are also now, halfway to getting a Bachelors (when not even two years ago we were sitting in our uniforms practicing our cursive.) How many hours I've spent fretting about something that might not even happen, and then sure enough, it ends up not happening.
     What am I living for? Who am I living for? Myself, my superiors, or my God? When am I living? In the past, for tomorrow, or right at this very moment?
    At the young age of 20 I've learned that most things in life are just one big cycle. We get a job, we quit. We move in, we move out. Someone dies, someone is born. Vinyl goes out of style and then suddenly comes back in. We fall in love, we fall out of love. Through it we question what love even is. Day after day after day after day. These things are being recycled and re-comprehended. I wonder if when Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes, if he knew, thousands of years later, that things like this would be still be profoundly written about there being "nothing new under the sun" and regardless its still nothing new under the sun. 
    And so what is left, after all of this, is today. What matters. Our hearts and the decisions we make with them. Do we fear God? Do we respect ourselves? Or do we let each day pass without a care, only hoping that all it was was a test of survival and getting by, and nothing more?
   I know God is good. But I myself get so lost. So lost in what matters and what does not. What am I made to do? If I do what I believe I'm supposed to do, what is my motivation?
    Who am I aiming to please?
    Lord God, change my heart.
    It's time for a new chapter.